The following is a column posted as a MySpace bulletin on October 23, 2008. My modern day commentary can be found after my italicized signature.
How the Hell Did I Get Here?
Have you ever woke up from a deep sleep and wondered, "Where am I and how did I get here"? Kathryne and I aren't talking anymore. I never thought I would have to say that again. On Friday I wrote her a three-page letter letting her know just how I felt about her. I thought for sure that that letter was going to make everything okay. It explained why I waited for her for so long and it had a few of my best memories of us in it and I ended it with...
"I STILL LOVE YOU...
BRENDON JOSHUA KOAHOU"
I sat in Biology picturing her face as she read my letter.
I pictured her crying as she read the sad stuff, smiling when she read the happy stuff, and thinking hard when I asked her rhetorical questions. I pictured me walking with my head down after school, crying, and her running up to me, grabbing me, telling me everything was going to be okay, and kissing me as we held hands and walked off to the parking lot to go home. I was so deep in thought and lost in imaginary Hollywood-like love scenes when she texted me. She said that she had given her letter to my best friend Chris and he would give it to me after school.
I walked to mine and Chris' meeting spot after school and I saw him walking with a sideways grin on his face. I asked him for the letter and he hesitated to give it to me. When he finally did, I leaned up against the building near by and began to read it.
"Brendon, Wow, I don't know what to say. That was a lot into one letter. I know how you feel. But I don't think you really understand how I feel. I don't think people can change and in a way earlier this week you kinda proved that. I have forgiven you & so has God for the past. But at the same time why would I put myself in that situation again?? You say you don't know why I still talk to you because of how you treated me but then you ask me to do it again. I know you have changed but I can't put my heart out there on MAYBE you changed. It's not you I don't trust it's every guy. If every guy has done something like this to me in my life and I believed them and they didn't change why would you be different?
I remember all the same things that you do, Kid. I can't forget those times. But maybe they are the past for a reason. They are all great memories but at the same time that's what they are, MEMORIES. And I was always there talking to you two weeks later. But this time is different!!
You have always been there for me and a great friend. I hate ending it but I have to know that, that's what we are. FRIENDS!!!
I am sorry I didn't talk to you at lunch. But she was there and trying to get your attention. I just needed my homework and didn't want to cause issues.
-Kathryne Elizabeth Cole-Sanders"
After reading this I walked to the parking lot with my head down,crying, just like I had pictured, expecting her to run up to me at any moment, but she never did.
Today our song came on and it was like an alarm going off, waking me up. I stepped out of my body, looked around, and jumped back into reality. Have you ever woke up from a deep sleep and wondered, "Where am I and how did I get here"? Today, I did.
-Brendon Joshua
—
Knowing how this story ends doesn’t make it any easier for 2008 Brendon to process.
I have gotten everything in my life at the exact moment I was mature enough to handle it and not a moment too soon. God, the universe, the cards, the fates knew that I would not be able to handle myself, or Kathryne, properly at that moment which is why she shot me down, part 1. We did eventually get back together later that year. We both had a lot of maturing to do and when we did give it another go that year, we did so as better people both for ourselves and each other.
That didn’t last long as you’ll see later on.
-Brendon
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